honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
