she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
