1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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