a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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