"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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