you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
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I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
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I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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