Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
