The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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