i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
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sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
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I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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