Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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