Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
