He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
