Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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