yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
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i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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