I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
they need to just BURY HIM!
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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