i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
