On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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