I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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