So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
