I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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