I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
