I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
