I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
