Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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