I checked into jail on foursquare
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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