Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
