My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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