We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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