We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
