i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
