so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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