Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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