Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
