it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
