saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
