Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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