I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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