I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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