Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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