i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
