Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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