It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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