You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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