I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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