I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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