My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
