new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
