Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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