so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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