Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
