im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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