She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
