he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
