the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
he high fived his dick after we had sex
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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