My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
